Fairies (also known as faeries, fay, fae or Sidhe) are mystical creatures living within Centralia.

Overview

All Fairies have magic, and most carry magic wands. The fairies' most well-known power is their Glamour, a perception-altering ability. Fairies are shorter than mortals, and have wings. Most typically go barefoot, with the SafetyFairy being a notable exception. Weaknesses of fairies include cold iron, which has a similar effect to silver on werewolves. Scattered grains could also be considered as weakness, as fairies feel a compulsion to pick up every last grain.

Fairies are notorious for their caprice and mischief. As a rule, they are quick to take offence, and dangerous when angered. Fortunately, most of the Centralian Fairies are fairly benign, and at worst might play some weird pranks, like tying knots in the manes of the royal horses while they sleep. A few, such as the Ultraviolence Fairy and the Permanent Maiming Fairy, are always dangerous, and best avoided.

Fairies also have a curious relationship with logic. Many will frequently disregard it, and a few, such as the Non-Fairy Fairy, the Fairies-Don't-Exist Fairy and the Set-of-All-Sets-That-Don't-Contain-Themselves Fairy, actively violate it on a daily basis. Others, such as the Tautology Fairy, will always behave in a manner that is logically consistent but, from a mortal perspective, quite pointless. Fairies whose habits revolve around logical pedantry tend to get on each other's nerves a lot.

The FairyHomeland exists somewhere in Centralia, but its precise location is well-hidden and known to very few. The reigning monarch always knows it, but is sworn to secrecy. Fairies also employ some questionable "security measures" to keep mortals out. They value their privacy.

Despite this secrecy, many Fairies do interact with mortals on a regular basis. Some, such as the Safety Fairy, the Law Enforcement Fairy and the Structural Integrity Fairy, carry out official duties. Others, such as the LGBTQ Fairy and the Academia Fairy, preside over a domain which regularly brings them into contact with mortals.

Fairies are primarily known by their titles, which are usually along the lines of "The [theme] Fairy". The True Names of Fairies are closely kept secrets, never spoken to mortals. This is because all Fairies know that to know the True Name of something is to have power over it.

Fairies subscribe to a different set of values from mortals. Within Fairy culture, it's considered perfectly OK to casually insult mortals. However, they consider "thank you" to be immensely rude, regarding it as a cheap attempt to get out of having to repay a favor. Fairies who regularly interact with mortals will often have some tolerance for mortal customs and may adjust their speech to bring it in line with mortal manners, although some, such as the Academic Integrity Fairy, have never bothered with this.

Seldom do Fairies use mortal-manufactured products. Most of them don't like accepting gifts from mortals. Since Fairies are smaller than mortals, their furniture is smaller, too. If a Fairy keeps a lot of mortal-sized furniture about the place, be on your guard, as this may be a trap.

Fairies have their own newspaper, FairyNews. It primarily publishes articles involving fairies. A mortal edition exists, but leaves out most of the juicy gossip.

Fairies also have their own phone brand, FaeFone, which was developed by the Hacker Fairy and safety tested by the Safety Fairy. For more information, see FaeFone.

Strangely, AlicornSystems' equivalent to Siri is called iFairy, and features an animated fairy resembling a SNES game character. They also have a program called Alicorn® FairyMessenger™, which the Safety Fairy formerly used to pester Alicorn Systems users about safety, before her eventual ban.

Among mortals, Ashley Upquark is the principle authority on Fairies. According to Ash, Fairies are magical beings of immense power and wisdom. According to all other mortals, they're a nuisance. But whatever one thinks of them, Fairies are an inescapable fact of life in Centralia.

Selected Known Fairies

Academic Integrity Fairy. Female. Goes around the school looking to prevent cheating, plagiarizing, skiving, non-approved calculator usage and similar misdemeanors. Overzealous and widely disliked. Rude by mortal standards, though not by Fairy standards. Ash will stick up for her because "academic integrity is important!", but is secretly scared of her.

Boob Fairy. Female. Gives people breasts. Is friends with the Imicow. Never came for Ash. Ringtone is "I Must Increase My Bust" by Lords of Acid.

Broadcast Television Fairy. Male. His wand is a remote control. He sometimes hangs out with PrincessLexi, who often begs him to raise the TV station ownership cap, which he never does.

Dubious Products Fairy. Persistently tries to sell PrincessAlice cheap FaeFones to use as burner phones.

Eternal Fairy. Cannot be killed, not even by specialist fairy exterminator.

Fantastic Deals! Fairy. An expert at convincing suckers to part with their money, especially Ash.

Fried Foods Fairy. Female. Surprisingly skinny for someone who eats fried foods 24/7, but her clothes are always greasy.

Green Fairy. Gonna get fucked-up on absinthe, boooooiiieeeeeeeeeee.

Hacker Fairy. Male. Drinks Java, charms Python, dives for PERL, and makes COBOL blue. Once hacked Alice's phone to make it say "YOU REBOL SCUM". Responsible for the coding of FaeFone products. Nests inside a mainframe computer and seldom emerges. Also known for selling blank keyboards, and maintains that if you're not a lamer you don't need anything written on the keys.

The other Hacker Fairy. Male. Hasn't been seen in years. Uses a mighty macuahuitl to hack away at AD trees.

Kleptomania Fairy. Keeps stealing the Law Enforcement Fairy's sheriff badge.

Law Enforcement Fairy. Fairy Liaison Officer, Centralia Principal Police Magical Crimes Division. Actual police, unlike the Safety Fairy, and owns a sheriff badge to prove it.

Lawbreaker Fairy. Female. Breaks laws. Has a Tom-and-Jerry type routine going on with the Law Enforcement Fairy. Keeps parking sideways across three handicapped spaces.

Legitimate Business Fairy. Male. Ineffectual con artist. He keeps emailing all Princess Alice's subordinates offering to pay their college tuition if they send him $500 in Green Dot MoneyPak cards, despite the fact that college education in Centralia is free. Email address is scammer_fairy@faecomm.net. Also carries out telephone scams, which have included posing as AlicornSystems Technical Support (until he accidentally called JaniceHenderson) and posing as an employee of the Ministry of Taxation. Gets prank-called by PrincessAlice and her friends. Is probably not a mafia affiliate.

LGBTQ Fairy. Female. Advises young people who are confused about their sexuality. Has green hair, and won't say whether it's dyed or not. Is not attracted to humans.

Library Fairy. Female. Usually keeps her phone on silent, but has a whole library of subtle ringtones. When taking personal or emergency calls, or dealing with a music library, usually uses a sample from Coil's "Queens of the Circulating Library", or one of Aube's pieces based on turning pages.

National Security Fairy. Female. Works for the government. Encrypts documents pertaining to state secrets. Does not always remember to give Alice the key to read them.

Navigation Fairy. Has less to do these days due to the advent of GPS.

Particle Fairy and Wave Fairy. In a twist which nobody saw coming, both turned out to be the same Fairy. Is responsible for the collapsing of the wavefunction. Once left a negative review on Hary Potter and the Methods of Rationality; Yudkowsky has been trying to discredit them ever since.

Rap Fairy. Female. Has a microphone instead of a wand. Occasionally attempts a mic drop from a height and accidentally hits people on the ground below.

REGGAE HORN Fairy. The most disruptive fairy. Drowns out the ends of other people's sentences.

Retrogame Fairy. Ringtone is the Super Mario Bros theme.

Safety Fairy. See SafetyFairy.

Social Justice Fairy. Female. Has written post after post explaining why the Fairies' refusal to use mortal-manufactured phones is NOT xenophobic. PrincessAlice unfollowed her after one too many asks accusing her of ableism for having described the November weather as "bipolar".

Tooth Fairy. Hangs out with Santa Claus and laughs at you if you believe in DoubleHorses. May or may not be CIA from The Dark Knight Rises.

Transportation Fairy. Proposed the dismantling of the RailroadTrackLeadingToACliffAndNowhereElse, but Alice couldn't justify the expense.

Uncomfortable Pairings Fairy. Ships Dipper/Mabel. Fiercely protective of ships.

Weed Fairy. Male. Contrary to popular belief, is principally concerned with dandelions and similar plants. Wishes people would stop referring to marijuana as "weed". Uses multiple ringtones for different contacts, each of which is a different track from "Plantasia" by Mort Garson.

List of Known Fairies

Sources

  1. A compilation of Centralian fairy facts written by Tachyon.


CategoryFairies CategoryMythicalCreatures CategoryContributionsByTachyon

Fairies (last edited 2022-03-31 00:51:23 by CentralAvenue)